Finding What Matters
To say "a lot has happened" since my last newsletter is a laughable/cryable understatement.
In the midst of it all, like most people I know, I've been on the roller coaster of optimism and pessimism, fear and hope, problem-solving energy and let-me-sleep-forever energy. Right now I'm healthy and safe, and those two simple facts make me feel grateful. Which isn't to say worry ever goes way--I can be grateful and worried at the same time, and be in the tension between fear and hope minute by minute.
"What matters" is a complicated idea. Sometimes people talk about "what matters" as if these are agreed-upon facts, objective truths while it seems clear to me that "what matters" is not at all fixed. There is "what matters" right now, and "what matters" in the big picture. "What matters" for an individual and "what matters" for the good of a community. "What matters" for societal justice and "what matters" for personal peace. In many ways, all of these contexts are interconnected, but not in every way, depending who you are and where you live and what your socio-economic status is. I try to stay mindful that "what matters" to me in a given moment may be trivial to someone else--or even feel actively hostile--and vice versa.
Right now, for my what matters: I'm trying to keep on my writing because it's my job and my vocation Also, I rebooted my podcast, This Creative Life, because I've found myself hungry for those beyond-the-tweet conversations with other people engaged in creative work that explores what it means to live on this planet with other beings.
Another thing that matters a lot for myself and, I would argue, for the good of the community, is managing my fear of the unknown. One aspect of that is committing to limiting my time on twitter, as I'm convinced that for those of us who tend to use twitter as a go-to, being really strict about how long we stay on is a true act of self-care. You can only steep yourself in everyone else's fear for so long (not long at all) without completely losing your own center. As I told a friend today, I've got enough of my own fears to manage, I can't also handle everyone else's. (Maybe Facebook is like this right now, too? I don't know.) Relatedly, I'm trying to manage my news intake in general, giving myself maybe 20 minutes a day or so to check local news first and national headlines. And I'm trying to eat well and sleep well and not drink too much, for my own health and emotional well-being.
A thing I'm trying to believe matters is the fact that I have a book coming out in a couple of weeks. As you've probably figured, all in person Goodbye from Nowhere events are canceled. I want and plan to do some stuff online, but to be honest, at this moment it feels like a lot to think about and work up the energy for when we have no sense of what will be happening in a couple of weeks. It's another thing I'm taking one day at a time.
It's so strange--I haven't yet even seen a copy of the finished hardcover. Normally I would get a box of them shipped from my publisher in NYC, but the offices are basically closed as everyone has moved to working from home, so I don't know when I'll get to hold a copy of my own book. The book was such a labor of love, as they all are, and represents hundreds of hours of hair-pulling and face-clawing and deep sighing and emotion, and the characters are so real to me, and it's an odd feeling to have it released at this time. It feels like it's being shot into space. Some clothes I got for book events now hang in my closet with the tags still on.
This has been a week during which we've weathered ever-increasing awareness of criminal failures of national leadership, some good local leadership (and some bad), city lockdowns, and--a bonus for us here in SLC--an earthquake. Who knows what next week will bring? I can only keep living one day at a time, while trying to look ahead enough to be wise, and keep working at being a good neighbor and citizen and friend.
For now, here are some lines from poet Pádraig Ó Tuama, from "A Prayer of Shelter and Shadow":
As we seek to be human together,
may we share the things that do not fade:
generosity, truth-telling, silence, respect and love.
And may the power we all share
be for the good of all.